爱我的人和我爱的人

爱我的人对我吃心不悔，我却对我爱的人吃心一世吃心份悲. Love or be love? I can't decide. Or rather I don't the choices in my hand now. Why didn't I hang on for just alittle bit longer. Regret is feeling me up now and I can't make a choice. I don't have the right.

24hrs

24hrs had pass since I drop the biggest bomb in my life. Came across an article saying time doesn't heal everything. It's what u do during this period that makes a different. As much as I try to hide and block my feeling, I just couldn't help it but feel an emptiness inside of me. If the worst method to get over a person is to meet another, then I definitely putting myself in this category. Being bad to others is being good myself I suppose.

I'm being punish for the hurt I've done to people from past. Everyone is back to haunt me. Pick a wrong place for coffee and reading healing session. Micheal learn to rock music is playing now. That's why u go away. Suck big time! I make a promise that I'm not gonna cry this time round. But I never fulfill any promise I make to myself.

Ok... Raining weather plus sad love song. What can be worst? I will have to embrace myself because no one else will.

Britney spear... Opps I did it again.

Yes! Opps... I did it again. Whatever happen to the promise I make to myself? My x'mas resolution? I'm such a bullshit. Today I woke up feeling the frustration all over again. The feeling I knew too well. The feeling i can ignore. It just got worst with time. What am I doing to my life? What happen to my smile and laughter? Did I forget to bring them along to this new year?

Meet someone at new year eve party. He say the most beautiful words to me. Words that I've long forgotten. Words that I've never hear in a long long time. It definitely feel nice and warm in my already cold heart. It's so amazing to hear it from a stranger and what comfort a stranger can give you. Episode like that is so rare. It makes me feel young. Thank you stranger! You give me a invisible strength to carry on and be true to the truth.

I make a promise to myself that I will never give up trying. To take in as much as I can. I fail... Totally fail. Absolutely given up. The did that thing again. Through text. I just couldn't tell him face to face. Countless time I told him but he never taken me seriously. I'm just not strong enough.
Love is suppose is to come with a package but mine is absolutely a bad deal. Giving and not receiving is just not me. I throw away my personality, my genuine laughter my smile just because I do not believe in giving up. I'm so wrong and I wish someone had told me earlier what I got myself into.

I have change in the process and I know I won't be able to find myself back again in the meantime. I'm going live like this for the time being and smile if I have to and
swallow all the sadness and loneliness.

What a x'mas!

This year, x'mas is exceptionally quiet and lonely for me. I did not heed the best advice given to me this season. I threw an ultimatum. Sigh!!! I will not and should not feel regret. I hope.

Not having any boozing session for this festive season seem sort of not right. Especially in my current situation. Why am I still hoping there will be any form of changes? If it's my life, why am I not in control? All I wanted for x'mas is a good dinner with someone special. No need for present. ( but secretly I hope there is). Sometime I wonder if I ask for too much. Someone once told me, give and don't ask. Does it exist? Why can't we give and have something in return too?

Lord, I seek ur guidance and wisdom. Merry merrily x'mas to me.

Ps: I just order a bottle of red wine to cheer myself up.

random thoughts...

i always envy the characters in sex and the city. i envy their personal character, their lifestyle, their friendships. i wanted to be like carrie so much. so full of confident, so full of ny city. i watch the movie many times. time and time again, i imagine myself to be like her, live her lifestyles.

On my way to work

How often do you see people wearing luminious yellow these days? I saw not one but two people and sitting side by side. They definately brighten up my day. ~haha~ And afew seats away there's this man using identical luminious yellow iphone casing. Such a cheerful day!

Sometime just a small innocent gesture or decision from a stranger can influence someone elses mood. Recently, the ex-husband of a not so close friend e-mail me from facebook after reading her post and my comment. He sounded upset with me in his mail and hence a big, fat question mark balloon up in my head. He started pouring out bits of details and i found myself giving him some consolation. Men are actually another version of women. Men do not seek advice from their male counterpart and rather in a woman even though she may be a complete stranger. I wonder maybe in confiding a stranger, she will be unlikely to make judgement.

Women may be the best mate in bed but no doubt also a good mate when giving relationship advice to men. May my this stranger friend found peace in my words. I will not wear luminious yellow though. Cheers!

Hi! I'm a relatively happy person. neither happy nor sad about my life. Does that make me a dis-contended or very contended person? Sometime i wonder...

I give alot to others not just my love one but on what gauge am i to say its enough or not? Pondering now... Ermm...

All i ever want is a dog, i got it. All i ever want is a gucci bag, i got it. ( i bought them on my own). But there seem to be more that i want years by years. If i never want more. will i be happier? When you have what you want, will you give it up?

Anyway, today i went drinking by the river alone. My handphone went low battery but i'm always prepare with a travel charger hoping that some nice waiter will allow me to charge my phone in their bar. How pathetic can that be? Our happiness is as long as our handphone battery can last. Worst if you forget to bring it out. Your day can be as blue as it can be. No best sashimi in the world can brighten it up.

After charging my handphone for almost half an hour, i decided that i should head home since i can't have access to my handphone while its being charge inside the bar and the time seem to be floating by. Now i'm home sweet home having access to my computer. Even better!